Can you do Internal Family Systems (IFS) on your own? A therapist's answer

If you’ve been exploring and reading about Internal Family Systems (IFS) as you approach your own healing journey, you might be wondering:

Can I actually do this work by myself?

The short answer is: yes, and also, sometimes no.
My answer would be that it depends on what kind of inner work you’re considering doing and how your unique system responds to it

What You Can Safely Consider Exploring on Your Own

I’ve seen and encountered many clients and non-clients begin IFS-informed work on their own out of curiosity with themselves and the model.

On your own, you can safely:

• Notice and name different “parts” of you (e.g., “a part of me feels anxious,” “a part of me is shutting down”)

• Practice curiosity instead of judgment

• Build awareness of patterns (e.g., inner criticism, overthinking, avoidance, reassurance seeking)

• Journal from the perspective of different parts

• Stop during activated moments and consider, “What’s happening inside of me right now?”

This kind of beginning awareness work helps you start to access more of your SELF: calmness, clarity, and self-compassion.

Where It Gets Complicated

IFS is understandably a lot more than awareness. As you continue with your self-exploration, you may start encountering more vulnerable, emotionally wounded parts—often called exiles—that carry emotional pain and burdens from earlier experiences.

This is where doing it alone can become difficult.

You might start to notice:

• Strong emotional flooding (sudden sadness, panic, or overwhelm)

• Feeling “blended” with a part (where a part, like your inner critic or anxiety, completely takes over and its hard to get any other perspective)

• Getting stuck in the same internal thought patterns without any relief

• Parts that don’t trust you or shut down

These aren’t signs you’re doing it wrong. They’re signs your system is protecting you against something it deems important.

But without support, it can be hard to stay grounded enough to work with these parts safely.

Why Therapy Can Make a Big Difference

Working with a trained IFS therapist provides something that’s hard to access alone:
a steady, regulated presence outside your own system.

A therapist can help you:

• Access your own Self energy (calmness, self-compassion, clarity) when emotions intensify

• Unblend (separate/detach) from overwhelming parts

• Build trust with protective parts that typically feel skeptical or guarded

• Move at a pace your system can actually handle

• Safely access and heal deeper wounds once trust is built and your system shows readiness

As you can see, therapy with an IFS trained therapist isn’t about doing something for or to you—it’s about helping you develop a secure attachment within yourself and to your parts in order to do “the work” independently, safely and effectively.

Take Home Message

You don’t have to choose between “doing it on your own” or “only going to therapy”

A more helpful approach is:

• Consider using IFS on your own to develop awareness and reflection during everyday moments

• Seek support when you feel you are in need of more help or structure, when things are feeling stuck, intense, or unclear

• You don’t have to navigate this alone!

How IFS handles "resistance" in therapy

Have you ever experienced a delay in progress during therapy just as things were improving?

Or felt stuck in life once you were close to meeting important or meaningful goals?

The term for this “stuckness” or delay is otherwise known as RESISTANCE.

In IFS therapy, resistance is seen not as a negative thing to push past or criticize, but as something to explore and bring curiosity to, from a place of self. We see resistance as an important protective part. For example, when processing trauma in therapy, a managerial part of us might want to avoid destabilization, and so try to avoid the topic. Or a firefighter part might not want to stop overeating, due to concern of exposure to intolerable loneliness. As you can see, the intention of our resistant parts is never bad or harmful.

If I were your IFS therapist, I would help you show curiosity and compassion to these parts, help explore the fears behind the resistance, and work together with these parts to take small risks and see what happens. We then avoid being in a “power struggle” with your resistant parts and move to a more cooperative stance, building trust and safety in your system.

Resistance is never the problem. We want to notice and be curious about what’s going on for the parts of us that are trying to protect us by slowing down or getting “stuck” in order to move forward.

A Helpful Distinction About How IFS Elicits Self-Kindness

I am a true fan of Elizabeth Gilbert, who most know from her book “Eat, Pray, Love.” I became more familiar with other aspects of her work, when I began to hear of her involvement with the IFS community, including a podcast interview where she spoke with Dr. Richard Shwartz, founder of IFS. Not too long after that, I went to go see her speak, along with best-selling author, life coach, Harvard scholar, and speaker, Martha Beck, in Toronto back in October 2024. It was a workshop on “creativity and healing”, and it was Martha Beck who actually spoke quite a bit on her experience with IFS, trying to teach it to the many (enthralled and eager to learn) in the audience. It was also there wherein I learned more about Elizabeth Gilbert’s Substack, Letters from Love, and her community she adoringly refers to as “Lovelets.” In these letters that she instructs her community to write, she suggests people write to themselves, as though from “Love.” This process is not unlike, according to IFS terminology, speaking to our Parts, from the wise and compassionate energy of Self. I find those who use the process, and those she invites to write letters from Love (many interesting and famous folks - check it out! ) to be truly inspiring, motivating, and healing - to themselves and to those who read their letters.

In her most recent post, she references research citing how speaking to yourself from a second person perspective, in a kind way, is good for your mental well-being, much as we do when speaking to our parts, from Self in IFS:

If you say, “I am burned out,” it increases your sense of hopelessness and helplessness. You become even more of the burned out person, defined by it, and trapped in that identifier.

But if you say to yourself, “You are burned out, sweetheart,” it creates a tiny cushion of both detachment and empathy, which makes it possible for you to look upon your exhaustion from a slight remove, with the eyes of a friendly outsider. Now, instead of being the burned-out one, you have taken the form of a kindly stranger who is here to help.

Like: “You are burned out, sweetie, and you deserve to get some rest.”

Or: “You are burned out, and it is not your fault — you’ve had some big blows in your life recently — but I am here to be with you through this difficult experience.”

… there is a big difference in which part of the brain gets activated when you ask someone how they feel ABOUT themselves, as opposed to they feel TOWARD themselves.

Thinking ABOUT yourself triggers the part of the brain that is judgemental and criticizing. But asking how you feel TOWARD yourself triggers the part of the brain that creates empathy, belonging, connection and kindness.

Excerpt above taken from Letters From Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, dated February 16, 2025.

So the next time you speak to your parts from Self energy, and consider how you feel TOWARDS them, I invite you to notice the difference ! Give it a try and play :)

What is IFS Therapy and How Can It Help You?

In today's fast-paced world, many people are seeking ways to better understand their emotions, heal from past wounds, and create healthier relationships with themselves and others. One approach that has gained increasing popularity for its depth and effectiveness is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy.

But what exactly is IFS therapy, and how can it help you navigate life's challenges? Let’s explore this transformative therapeutic model and its benefits.

What is IFS Therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a type of psychotherapy developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s. The core idea behind IFS is that our mind is made up of different "parts," each of which has its own beliefs, emotions, and behaviors. These parts are often developed in response to life experiences and can carry emotional wounds or unresolved conflicts.

In IFS, these parts are not seen as isolated or fragmented but as parts of a system that influences one another. The therapy emphasizes healing by addressing and integrating these parts into a more harmonious internal system.

The key to IFS is recognizing that we all have a "Self", which is our true, compassionate, and wise essence. The Self is always present, but sometimes it can become obscured by the protective mechanisms of the various parts. IFS therapy works to help individuals reconnect with this inner Self, which can guide healing, promote self-acceptance, and bring balance to the internal system.

The Three Main Types of Parts in IFS

Exiles: These parts often carry the pain from past traumatic experiences or unresolved emotions. They may feel vulnerable, abandoned, or hurt, and as a result, they are often "exiled" from the conscious mind. Exiles may include the inner child or parts that represent past traumas.

Managers: These parts are the "protectors" that try to prevent pain or distress by managing daily life. Managers often include internal critics or perfectionists, striving for control, structure, and order to keep the individual safe from the emotional pain held by the exiles.

Firefighters: Firefighters are the reactive parts (also “protectors”) that emerge when the exiles' pain becomes overwhelming. These parts may engage in impulsive or addictive behaviors (e.g., overeating, substance use, or overworking) to distract from or suppress intense emotions. They are an attempt to extinguish the emotional fire that threatens to overwhelm the system.

How Does IFS Therapy Work?

IFS therapy focuses on creating a dialogue between the different parts of the individual. The therapist’s role is to guide the person in discovering and understanding these parts, learning how they interact, and helping to reestablish harmony within the internal system. Through this process, individuals can begin to heal past wounds and transform unhelpful behaviors and beliefs.

Steps in IFS Therapy typically include:

Identifying Parts: The therapist helps the client become aware of their different parts (e.g., the critical inner voice, the perfectionist, the anxious part, etc.).

Getting to Know the Parts: Each part is approached with curiosity and compassion. The therapist works with the client to understand the role and origin of each part, what it needs, and how it protects the individual.

Healing the Exiles: Often, the most vulnerable parts of the system (the exiles) need healing. IFS encourages the client to access their Self to offer comfort, understanding, and care to these parts.

Integrating Parts: Over time, the different parts learn to work together harmoniously, and the individual’s Self becomes more accessible and central in guiding their thoughts, actions, and relationships.

Restoring Balance: With the healing of the exiles and the transformation of the protective parts, a person can experience greater emotional regulation, self-compassion, and a sense of inner peace.

How Can IFS Therapy Help You?

IFS therapy can help individuals in many ways. Here are some of the key benefits:

1. Healing from Trauma

IFS provides a powerful framework for working through trauma. By connecting with the parts that hold painful memories or emotions, a person can process these feelings safely and with the guidance of their true Self. This can lead to profound healing and a reduction in emotional reactivity.

2. Improving Self-Compassion

Through IFS, clients learn to treat themselves with kindness and understanding, rather than judgment or self-criticism. This increased self-compassion can significantly improve self-esteem and overall emotional well-being.

3. Managing Anxiety and Depression

IFS helps individuals identify the underlying parts that may contribute to feelings of anxiety or depression. For example, anxious parts might be attempting to protect the person from perceived threats, while depressive parts may stem from unresolved pain. IFS can help reduce these negative feelings by fostering understanding and healing.

4. Reducing Internal Conflict

Many people experience inner conflict, such as feeling torn between wanting to achieve success and wanting to take care of their emotional health. IFS helps resolve these internal struggles by encouraging cooperation among the parts, leading to a more unified sense of self.

5. Improving Relationships

IFS can lead to greater emotional clarity and healthier boundaries. As individuals become more in touch with their internal parts, they are better equipped to understand their emotional needs, communicate effectively, and build stronger, more authentic relationships with others.

6. Fostering Personal Growth

By becoming more aware of and integrated with the different parts of themselves, individuals often experience profound personal growth. This might manifest in better decision-making, greater emotional resilience, and a deeper sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Conclusion

IFS therapy offers a holistic and compassionate approach to mental health that helps people understand and heal their inner world. By working with the various parts of oneself, people can achieve greater emotional balance, self-awareness, and healing. Whether you’re struggling with past trauma, anxiety, depression, internal conflict, or simply seeking personal growth, IFS can offer valuable tools for creating a more integrated and harmonious life.

Want to explore more?
If you're curious about how IFS could be applied to your specific concerns, don't hesitate to schedule a consultation today! You deserve to experience the peace and balance that come with understanding and integrating your inner system.